I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
