If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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