goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
