I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
