The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
