jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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