my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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