moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
