i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
