She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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