my sisters under your porch take her home
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize