No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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