I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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