Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
