I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
