a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
