is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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