Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
