She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize