My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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