Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
