you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
