she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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