I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
