I cockslap morals
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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