I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
