The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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