Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
