matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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