Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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