I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
