Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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