Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
