I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
