If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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