We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
