my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
