I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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