Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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