Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
