i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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