I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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