I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
foreskin is a definite game changer
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
