Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
