Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
