If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
