hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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