oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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