Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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