thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
