I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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