Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
