I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
