I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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