Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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