Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
