i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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