also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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