I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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