My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
