you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
