You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
