i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I will pee on everything he values.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
