I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
