cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
