The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
