My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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