You just made me feel so damn special
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
