Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
