If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
