I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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