I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
